About a Boy... Or a Few

So no matter who you are, where you live, what you do, or how you do it, all of us girls have one thing in common... BOYS. Even if right now things are ok with you and a certain boy, it is still almost certain that it took you some time, and quite a long journey, to finally get to this state of happiness. I think it is important to recognize that, and seeing as how I went into this blog promising myself I would be nothing but honest, and knowing that lately I have boys on the brain, I thought a post about my journey would be appropriate. So here we go...

First things first. Every girl starts with that boy. The one that sends you in a direction that you never quite recover from. That boy that makes your heart start racing everytime he comes in your room, and the second he says your name your stomach is filled with non-existent butterflies. I had that boy. In high school, that boy was not only my first crush, he was also one of the best friends I could have ever asked for. So not only was I sitting in class pining away for the cutest boy I'd ever seen, he would turn around on a regular basis and talk to me. It was almost more torturous that way. Having the boy of your current dreams talk to you EVERYDAY without realizing that maybe the two of you could be more than just friends. However, I will say, that I was always happy that at least my crush knew I existed. And even if it wasn't in a butterfly kind of way, he did like me enough to talk to me, and call me a friend. Which at the end of the day, was good enough for me. Here is what I learned from boy #1- SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY. The only thing I never said in our countless hours of conversation was that I liked him more than just a friend. And to this day, I sometimes wonder how different things would've been had he known. But then I remember to tell myself that of course he knew. A best friend always knows what you feel, even if you refuse to say it out loud.

So that happened. Which was the longest three years of my life. The inability to shake that crush is funny looking back, considering we are still friends, but I no longer feel an ounce of butterfly towards him. He is just my first best friend from high school. And for that, I will always have a place for him in my heart <3

Cue boy number two. Now boy number two tends to mess with you a little. You get a little riskier after everything you learn from boy number one. My boy, a boy from my past, showed up in college. This boy was let's hangout every day, take classes together, teach me how to do my laundry, and make me laugh when I was home sick boy. This boy was wow, I may finally be over boy number one thanks to you boy. This boy was also boy that started dating one of my friends instead of me boy. Which is fine. Actually, no it's not. Many a tear were shed over boy number two and said friend. It is hard, seeing a boy you are more than butterfly crushing on with your friend instead of you. Is she prettier than you? Smarter? Funnier? Nicer? Lord only knows. But here is what boy #2 taught me- TELL HIM SOONER. I did end up telling boy number two how I felt, but only after he was committed to said friend. Which sucked. And took me quite some time to get over. However, I did get over it. And this boy is still my friend, and I hope always will be. And despite the fact that he chose my friend over me, I appreciate all of the countless hours we spent together. Without him, I may not have survived freshman year.

So far this sucks. I swear it gets better from here.

Enter boy number three. Boy number three is that boy that comes at you from out of nowhere. Like I've known you since high school, we have become friends in college, and now you are boy number three nowhere. This boy was the boy. The boy that changed the way my heart operates. The boy that literally took my breath away when I thought about how much I liked him. This is the boy that finally broke through my wall. The Chelsea Wall. The wall so tall and thick and strong around my heart that I thought no one would ever possibly figure out how to get inside. I had this wall because you see, I had somehow convinced myself that I was not ever going to be someone worth loving. Any boy that got close enough to love me was sure as hell going to find something wrong with me, and hurt all the pieces of me that he had decided to love before he left. However, I let boy number three jump right over my wall. He was my friend. And slowly but surely he found a way to get to know all the little pieces of me that I was so scared to show anyone else. And the scariest part? Every single piece he learned about, he loved a little bit more than the one before it. And suddenly, here was this boy. One that had found his way into my heart so unexpectedly. And despite all of my worst fears, he told me the one thing I never thought I'd here. "I like you Chelsea Elizabeth Sullivan. I know you, all of you, and I like every part of the girl that you are." Even scarier? I knew him too. And for the first time in my life, I liked a boy that I was afraid to lose. He was a boy that made me feel everything I had never felt before. He made me feel pretty in sweatpants. Funny telling knock knock jokes. Happy on my worst day. He made me feel like I was the person I had always wanted to be, but was too afraid to ever try to become. Because the second you try to be all of the amazing things that you know you can be, your chances for failure grow tremendously. But that didn't matter now. Because here, in front of me, was boy number three. Telling me that no matter how many things I tried, and no matter who I decided to become, he was always going to love me anyways. That was the best feeling in the entire world.

The only problem was when it went away. Too much history, on both of our parts, led to the inability for us to be together when time came to make the decision to do so. Upset does not even begin to cover how I felt at this moment. I was crushed. The amount of tears shed over boy number three is kind of embarrassing to admit. But I must say, when the boy that tells you that you are everything you ever wanted to be, but it isn't enough to make him want you as much as he needs to to be happy, I'd say that is circumstance for heart wrenching devastation. Boy number three was the first boy to ever break my heart. In an Earth shattering kind of way. And for a long time, I stayed sad. I needed to be that way. I needed it to be ok to be sad that I had just lost the boy that had done nothing but made me happy for the last eight months of my life. We stayed friends, which was almost like throwing salt on a wound. But I didn't care. I couldn't lose him completely. My heart had made such a deep space for him in it, and there was no way I could ever get all of him out. Ready for the lesson from boy #3?!? I AM WORTH BEING LOVED. While things my not have turned out like I wanted them to, they were still amazing while they lasted. I would not change a single thing. Not a word we exchanged, a laugh we shared, or a night we partied. Because thanks to boy number three, my wall is down. While it is still there, protecting me from potential danger, it is a little lower, and a little weaker. And in the best way possible. Because now I know that when the right person comes along, he will love me for all the reasons boy number three did. And I will let him. And hopefully, if fate allows it, he will be the last boy to ever be on my list <3

So now it is time to discuss the lesson I learned from a friend. Due to the fact I have yet to have a boyfriend, I have no experience in the matter. So, I will use my soulmate, also named Chelsea, for this one. So, insert best friend's boyfriend number one. While they had a long crazy relationship, I think I will skip to the end, for the purpose of this lesson is in the end. When I met Chel, she was disasterously ruined by said first boyfriend. He had somehow made her feel like she needed him, and that when unwanted by him, she was not worthy of being wanted by anyone. For the record, this is bull shit. Chelsea Marie Hartling is one of the best people I have ever had the honor of calling my friend. She is sweet, and sensitive, and giving, and honest, and beautiful. And her ex is a fucking idiot for not seeing that. So, when said ex popped up on FB with a new GF, needless to say Chel was a little crushed. After words, hugs, and a lot of tears, I think that we finally established what the lesson was in all of this. NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ALLOW A BOY TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE WORTH. EVER. While you may think that he is Mr. Wonderful, you better always remember to tell yourself that you are Miss Wonderful. You are better than Miss Wonderful, you are you. No one else in the world is the same, and no one else should be. You are only responsible for being the best you that you can be. And somewhere in the world is a boy that is going to love you, just the way you are. So wait for him, because trust me, whenever we find him, he will be worth it <3

Ok, so now I am going to inform you of the worst thing I think I've ever done in reaction to my boy situation. The worst thing you can do to get over a boy, is to think that other boys will make you feel better. Kissing twenty boys will not make that one boy appear when you open your eyes. And no matter how good something feels in the moment when you're doing it, I promise that the next morning you will wake up feeling like shit. Enter toolbox boy. He was so insignificant that he doesn't get an actual number, but still I learned a lesson from him worth sharing here. While you may think that someone is SO DROOL WORTHY HOT IT'S RIDICULOUS, chances are they are also just as much of an asshole as they've been said to be. And although you go in knowing this isn't the man of your dreams, and you are only hooking up with him for his extreme hotness, when he turns back into the toolbox in the daylight that you've always known he was, I promise you that you will feel like absolute shit. No matter how good a kisser, and trust me he's AMAZING, or anything else he might be, just remember that he will never have good intentions. Ready for the lesson from toolbox boy? THE ONLY PERSON WORTH YOUR KISSES IS THE ONE WHO THANKS YOU FOR THEM LATER. What I mean by this is, if the next morning he is still talking to you and acknowledging your existence, and continuing to make you just as happy as you were the night before, than he is a good choice. If he doesn't text you until very late two weeks later, this is bad. While I do admit that I fell for this, I still learned from it in the end. So all is well :)

I think it is finally time to tell you all about the good one. The one boy that doesn't get a number, because he has kind of been intertwined with all of the others. This is the boy that constantly reminds me that good guys do exist. The boy that saved me from so many mistakes with the wrong boys, because he let me make them with him instead. The boy that I know, no matter what the night before entailes, will always still be there the next morning. He makes me smile all the time, and never has he ever made me feel anything less than wonderful. This is the boy that we girls should be looking for. Any boy that makes you feel like exactly who you are is all you need to be is a boy worth loving. And I do love him. He is one of the best friends I could have ever asked for. And I will forever be grateful for everything I have ever gone through with him. It has made us closer, while never changing us. The lesson learned from the good guy? SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD IS A PERSON THAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE MORE THAN ENOUGH. AND HE WILL ALWAYS BE WORTH WAITING FOR. We can still just smile, and laugh, and just be the best kind of friends we know how to be. And that is perfect.

So there you have it. The epic saga of my heart. Let me tell you, it has left more wounds and recoveries than I can describe, but I think that I have put down all of the important things. However, while I have told you about each one of these boys and what he has done to/for me, I have yet to tell you about just me. How I have grown through this whole crazy thing. I think that while I spent so much time looking how to avoid letting boys love me, and in turn finally decided to stop avoiding it SO much, I found a way to love myself. Over the passed two years I have finally been able to see what everyone keeps saying about me. I am smart, funny, driven, insanely organized, caring, and on a really good day beautiful :) But inside I am that everyday. And finally by accepting and even being excited about all of these things, has finally made me willing to share them with others. I guess here is the final lesson. The one that makes all the other ones worth knowing. YOU CAN'T EVER ASK ANYONE TO LOVE YOU, UNTIL YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF. The second you know you're worth loving, someone else will come along to figure out what you are talking about.








Somewhere deep down inside is that little girl you've always been. The one that was all smiles and sunshine, and no one in the world could bring her down. Remember that girl, and always make sure she's smiling too :)


XOXO

Some people make their way into your heart unexpectedly, others are born there. Then there are those people that are somewhere in between. Sometimes you start out as just two people that love each other due to obligation. Like here is this person, so far removed from you by age that they are just this little bundle of love that you were born to protect. However, as you get older, you begin sharing things that make you even closer.

Occasionally, there is a break. Not necessarily between the two of you, but an event that shatters the two of you. So deeply affecting you both that you have no choice but to turn to each other. In a matter that you both so desperately wish you could fix, but have absolutely no control over, you find yourselves suddenly closer than you ever were before. Even though something you both share is so broken your heart literally aches when you think of it, you still find a way to grow stronger.

This person for me is my cousin Samantha. She has somehow become this grown up girl, and I have no idea how it happened. Nine days younger than my brother, she has been my little cousin for the passed 17 and a half years of my life. Although lately we've been sharing a hard common fight, I can not appreciate enough the bonding time we've had trying to fix it.  The texts from this girl always have me laughing, and a hug from her can completely change my day. I am so proud of the strides she has made to become an amazing person, and I know that she will continue growing until she is young, rich and famous.

If there is one thing I could tell my beautiful little cousin it would be to keep your chin up. No matter where life takes you, you keep that beautiful smile on your face. You have more potential than you even realize, and you have the ability to take yourself all the places you want to go. No matter who tells you otherwise, I will always be here. Believing in you, and always cheering you on from the sidelines. And hopefully, someday soon, doing the PR for your famous badass self <3

And most importantly... I am never too far away if you need me :)

Only a Little While Longer....

Wow, so here I am. I have somehow arrived at that moment I've been thinking about for so long. My last semester of college. I thought it would take me forever and a day to get here, but looking back remembering my very first day at USD, it doesn't seem like much time has passed at all. Yet, three and a half years later, here I sit. 4 months sit between me and the big bad real world. And while I know that I am ready to take on whatever life sends my way, I still can't wait to see what this semester brings. The only thing I can hope for is that for the next little bit, I remember to take it all in! I think that I will always be a kid at heart, but for the next little while I get to make kid mistakes. Pretty soon I am going to be on my own, without mom and dad to fix my mistakes after I make them.  

So here is the plan:

Make mistakes. A whole lot of them. I feel like I have made quite a few lately, but as long as I keep learning from them, than they will always be worth making.

Absorb as much information as possible. It is weird to think that this is the last time that I will be constantly learning new things day after day. As a nerd, this is a little sad. I know that I never stop learning, but being in a place where information is always new and exciting is going to be hard to leave.

Take a lot of pictures. This is the time ten years from now that I will still be talking about. It would be lovely to have embarrassing pictures to provide proof of the ridiculous stories I'm sure I'll have to tell.

Take advantage of every moment with the people I have here. This is the last time that all of us will be living in the same place with NO responsibility. I better take advantage with all of these amazing people that I have met.

And finally.... LIVE IT UP. No matter how much I am ready to graduate and live my life, I still am going to constantly remind myself to live in the moment and be happy. This is the time, my time, to be the happiest, funniest, best version of myself I can be. The only thing left to do is be it :)

See you again soon <3

Winter Break 2012

For my very first post of this new blog, which I was inspired to do by my other Chelsea, I thought it only appropriate to recap the ridiculous roller coaster that has been this winter break. Returning to school tomorrow, I am definitely going to have some stories to tell about this one.

I learned a lot of things, both about life and about myself, in this short period that I was home. One of the most important things I have come to understand is that sometimes when things go wrong, you just have to let yourself hurt for a while. Eventually things get better, but healing takes a lot more time if you try and fill your heart with other people and things. While it may feel better right away, eventually reckless actions catch up with you, and only leave you more hurt to work through. I definitely made the mistake of trying to quick fix my problems, but having learned from it has left me with no regrets.

To end, I would just like to mention the five people that made this winter break absolutely fabulous. Without these people, I may never have survived it, and each one of them reassured me why they are each so special to me.

#5- Mckenna Jane

This girl has the strange ability to put a smile on my face when I forget that I have the ability to be happy. She is th funniest, sassiest, most sarcastic girl I know, and I am thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY that she is my baby sister. Spending every night in my room with me while I get ready, picking out my shoes, and trying on all the ones Idecide not to wear along the way, there is no better pregame than getting ready with her. She always reminds me that being who I am is the most important thing of all, and anyone that doesn't accept that just isn't worth my time. I love you little nugget <3

#4- Chelsea My Soulmate

Lord only knows how I have survived this long without her in my life! It hasn't even been a year yet, but I am so much happier knowing that I have her to fall back on whenever I may need her. She is a hand to grab whenever I find myself falling, and a constant reminder of the type of friend I deserve to have to be happy. I will forever be grateful that the cosmos brought us together this year, and will always find comfort in the fact that for forever, I will have my soulmate <3

#3- Christian Hauser

The amount of fun I seem to find with him never ceases to amaze me. He is quite possibly the best guy friend I could ever ask for, and no one on this planet has the ability to make me laugh as much as he does. While he always seems to think I am the better friend, the comfort of knowing he is always there to make me smile or embark on an adventure is good enough for me. I look forward, as always, to the fun times that are forever ahead with one of my favorite guys of all time. Especially in our amazing looking glasses <3

#2- Maggie Leigh & Kaylee

Just when I needed to be pulled from my rut, the Landry girls arrived!!!! I didn't know that I had it in me to party as hard as I did, but I am so happy that these two found it in me and made it come out!! From Tao, to Ghostbar, to Surrender, and all the boys in between, these girls kept me smiling, drinking, and dancing the entire time! Thank God Kaylee turned 21, because I can not wait for our next Vegas adventure. Thank you, to both of these girls, for bringing a smile back to my face, and for giving me the best last weekend I could ever imagine! Love you both <3

#1- Alle Bear

Last but not least, the girl that made my winter break what it is. Even though we started hanging out later into break, we certainly made up for lost time! From playing endless amounts of Sequence & Peg It, to holding me up on a rock crying, I am so thankful to have spent my break with one of my absolute best friends. Even though I am not always the best at showing it to her, this girl means the world to me. Always there when I need her, and never judging if my stupidity or craziness, I honestly don't know that I could've survived these past weeks without her. I love you to the moon and back my Alle Bear, and I am counting down the minutes until we are reunited <3


So there you have it. My break in a nutshell, and some of the people that made it the amazing time that it was. I have one thing left to say. It is the thing that I have found myself constantly thinking, and I am slowly working to make it something I constantly do. My favorite thing to tell myself everyday-

"The most important place to find happiness is within yourself. If you give that ability to others, then your opportunity for disappointment will be greater. No one knows how you feel or who you are better than you do, so no one else should be responsible for either. As long as you know how to make yourself happy, then all you need to do is do it. Note to self, stop giving other people the ability to so deeply effect you."

Until we meet again <3